God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
