I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
