dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think your dad took our porno
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
