his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
