You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you had me at cake vodka
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
