Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
