so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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