Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The air taste purple.
Randomize