your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
