You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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