but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
