Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just gargled with NyQuil
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
