Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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