I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
