a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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