my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
