We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
