So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
