Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
