apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize