He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
