i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
