my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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