Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
