I accidentally had phone sex last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
