I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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