omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
