I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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