im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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