The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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