I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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