So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
