if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
