Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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