my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
