if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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