Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
