And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
