hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
