Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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