Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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