I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
