i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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