all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just invented taco cereal.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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