An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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