I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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