I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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