Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
