I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
