she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
