That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize