Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
