Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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