i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All the doctor said was why
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
