you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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