She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
